Yes, I will admit it. I’ve been a little down in the dumps lately. It seems like the last month or so has been nothing but endless physical and emotional beatings. Not the least of which is the fact that I STILL haven’t received my invitation to participate in the 2010 Olympics! I have citizenship in over 40 countries and none of them want me as a representative? It’s all fucking politics! Still, I’d rather not get into it now, as this entry is supposed to be about good news.
I’ll just say it flat out - I won at Monopoly. Actually, I didn’t just win. If I had barely snuck out a victory, I wouldn’t be wasting your valuable time writing about it now. I fucking destroyed those assholes!
The other day, I’m hanging out with my buddies Robbie and Cliff, when Warren Buffett drops by out of nowhere with his Monopoly board. I didn’t really want to play because Buffett is an absolute monster at it, and I know there’s no way any of us is going to win. Unfortunately, we didn’t really have anything else to do, so we dug in. As it turns out, that was the game of my life!
It came as no surprise to anyone that Cliff crapped out almost immediately. That guy just doesn’t have the mental capacity to really compete at this level. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is no joke (unless someone makes a joke about it, then it’s totally funny). I’m just glad he landed on my property when he busted out (I’m also glad that he doesn’t understand how to count. ‘No Cliffy, you rolled 7.’ Ha! What a jackass.)
Robbie started to get a little worried and made the tactical error of rotting in jail while Warren and I built up our holdings. He also made the tactical error of falling for the old ‘what’s that behind you?’ routine as I swiped most of his cash. He was out soon enough, and it’s down to just me and Buffy, who has apparently slipped in his game. He’s on the back strip, and just needs to avoid rolling a 2 or a 4 to land relatively safe. What does he do? Rolls a 4! Holy shit, what an idiot! That’s Boardwalk, you fucking moron. Now the game is barely 40 minutes old, and I’ve already got the world’s second richest man mortgaging half his shit. He says he has a meeting in twenty minutes, and asks for a draw. I told him he must think that Cliffy and I have the same alcoholic mother. I’m owning your shit, asshole!
The next roll he lands on Baltic (all hotelled up to the 9’s). That’s going to cost you your Go money, plus another $250. He offers me a blowjob instead and I tell that dirtbag to hit the road. The game is mine in less than an hour! Surely this will turn my luck around.
Ride on the Reading
Leave your dignity behind
And some real cash, please