Did you guess me? If so, you are right.
I have been told that I should start a blog, so I did. Let me start by saying that I am against blogs in general. All the interesting stories in my life get told on stage, so I don’t know what to put here. I am certainly not going to be doing any material, but that only leaves stories that aren’t funny or interesting (please reread this paragraph if you have any doubts).
Therefore, I have decided that I will fill my blog with complete nonsense. If you would prefer not to waste your time, I suggest that you stop reading now. Here we go:
A few days ago, I was walking home from my piano lessons when I saw that the orphanage near my house was on fire. It was especially odd because I had never noticed an orphanage on Queen St. before (or since). Now, I’m not a big fan of kids, but I had an hour to kill before Law & Order was on so I decided I would save them.
When I got inside, I could barely see anything with the thick black clouds of smoke (also, my vision isn’t really all that stellar to begin with). I decided that my first move should be to break into the office and get all of the files and paperwork down to safety. After all, what’s the point of saving these kids if no one knows who they are?
Once the records were downstairs and back in alphabetical order, I went back up to save the children. One of them started yelling at me for taking the files first. Obviously, this little shit was going to be the last one rescued. I picked up an armful of tots, which was about 10 or 12 at the start, but down to 7 by the time I got to the street because I dropped some. By this time, the fire department had arrived (thanks for nothing, fellas) and they grabbed all of the kids that I left behind, including the little mouthpiece from upstairs.
Well, now this one kid really starts talking shit, and at that point I’d had enough. So I decided to teach him a lesson in manners and I threw him back in the fire. Don’t worry, the fireman rescued him again, and this time he kept his mouth shut. Maybe now someone will be willing to adopt him.
At this point, David Miller arrived (or Mayor McDave, as he prefers to be called) and gave me the key to the city and said that November 21 will forever be known in Toronto as Fraser Young day, which was awfully sweet. Then the cops arrived and arrested me on 1 count of attempted murder and 5 counts of littering (for the kids that I dropped). Mayor McDave said that it was the first time in history anyone had been given the key to the city and arrested on the same day, so we shared a high five!
Orphanage in flames
I have to save all of you?
Are your legs broken?