Those of you who know me best, know that I have devoted my life to fighting communism in all its forms (I don’t even like sharing). It is especially difficult because I don’t even really know that much about communism. I just know that I don’t like it, and I want it to go away. Well, I would like to announce a huge breakthrough:
Cuba has turned to capitalism!
Finally, after a week-long struggle, I was able to convince Fidel Castro that the whole commie thing was a dead end. I could sit here and take all the credit, but to be honest, I think it was the bacon ‘n egg mcmuffin that turned the tides. After spending the first few days espousing the economic advantages of democracy and capitalism, I gave up and just started flying in different kinds of fast food. I got the idea when my secretary, Gregory, rattled off the old adage ‘the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.’
I pointed out that the saying was useless, because no one actually makes decisions with their heart. I then called him an idiot and told him he shamed his family. He cried for a while and then committed Hara-Kiri with a letter opener. He will be missed. Still, he did have a point.
I showed Fidel the McDonald’s menu, and the guy actually wants the Fliet-O-Fish (fuckin pinko. Are you serious with that shit?) I talked him into a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese. He finished the thing in three bites, wipes his mouth and hits me with a ‘pretty good.’
Pretty good? Are you out of your fucking mind? Fettucine Alfredo is pretty good. Superbowl XXIX was pretty good. Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey was pretty good. That Double Quarter Pounder was un-fucking-believable. At this point, I was starting to think that maybe communism would never be toppled. Then he grabs the McMuffin. He takes one bite, drops to his knees and screams out ‘I’ve been a fool! Communism is for jerk-offs!’ 10 minutes later, there’s a statue of me in the city square, next to a Denny’s. What a great day for humanity. You’re welcome.
Believe in yourself
You can achieve anything
You dirty commie